又有点难过

上周五和John及Mickey谈了很久有关John的经历。真是为他的毅力和信心所折服。我也是多么的希望能找到心灵的平静和喜悦。不知道是否自己就是很愚鲁。很害怕即使是很多次的提示也不能使我惊醒。不知道自己的力量应该往哪里使。好像一个瞎眼的人，看不到可以走的道路。

这几天，一直每天走一走，尽管慢得像蜗牛，腰酸腿疼，似乎使尽了力气才能撑起这个身体。但是感谢上帝，我至少还能走。昨天，我踱步到porter的教堂。我心里想，看有没有人会关心我，至少问候一句。可是，没有。好多的人来来往往，可是没有人注意到我带这个大口罩，穿着雨天气格格不入的及膝的羽绒服。我本想休息一下，可是没有找到座位。于是慢慢得踱步回家，因为腰疼，所以弯着腰走（90度），这样会舒服些。
这样走了几步，我心里想，反正上帝也不爱我，每人关心我。这时就听见有辆车慢慢的停在我的身边，问我“Do you need a ride? Are you okay?”. 我的眼泪哗的就流出来了。也并不是因为我就真的需要这个ride.但是我需要觉得上帝仍然爱我，这个世界仍然充满爱。

但是，即使是这小小散步的权利，也被动摇了。因为，从昨天夜里，流血开始增多。每次都有血块流出。这样的话就没法出去了，因为一会就要上厕所。心情霎时间变得沉重起来。而且，因为儿子生病了。本来我们三个一个卧室。昨天，因为咳嗽得厉害，他去和姥姥睡。听着他声声的咳嗽，生病的时候，孩子是多么需要母亲啊，可是我只能和他隔离。

一阵阵，以前的忧虑又浮上心头。Ferritin level上次就是4000多，现在恐怕更高了吧。上个月就输了8袋血。而且Exjade又停了一阵。肾脏不好，不管他的话，会不会弄到洗肾的地步？输血的频率似乎增加了。。。

克海的工作仍然没有着落，我因为这学期没干什么，也不好意思再让老板给交费注册了。保险怎么办？uk的保险甚至不包括输血。

辗转反侧，难以入眠。

罢罢罢，苦海无边，回头是岸。

上帝啊，求你赐我平安的心灵吧。

This is part of an email from a AA patients who healed her self naturally by juicing.

Regarding convincing myself that I would heal, I had trouble at first as well. When I talk to you, I remember so much of how I felt. I was also suffering from so much anxiety. In the beginning there seemed to be so much pressure to make decisions. I remember they convinced me to get a PICC line after my IV site got infected. So at that hospital stay they inserted a PICC line. Then 3 months later that PICC line got infected. To make a long story short, I was hospitalized and it was extremely painful. I was so upset and scared that I really just wanted to die. I even prayed to God to just take me. Then in the morning, I woke up and found I was still alive, and I just cried. I felt trapped. I would consider the treatments, but then I would think of the principals of going natural and it just made so much sense to me that I felt it had to work. At times I would get discouraged because it seemed so long. I would check with other people who healed themselves naturally from diseases like cancer, etc. Some would see improvements after a month, others after 3 months, others after 6 months, some at 9 months. . . I would tell myself maybe it will be 3 months, then when 3 months passed, I would think maybe 6 months. And so on. Well, by the time it was 12 months, I was still transfusion dependent. . . There were times I would get so discouraged, and that is when I would read and read more health books to try to understand what else I could do. Then I started to see that my transfusions were spreading out, and even my platelets started to stay at 3K instead of 2K and then 4K. Those little things started to encourage me. Soon things were being stable and my routine started to be familiar and easier. That started to calm me, I think. And improvements started to happen more. So yes, I fully agree with you that you need to have a peaceful heart. It is hard at first, but I really do think it helps. Had I only known that it would take me 19 months, then I would have spared myself all the worry! I can only look back in retrospect and see that I had worried needlessly. The Bible says not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough trouble. I think that is good advice. I think I was always worried about "what if?" I should have enjoyed the moment when I was actually feeling okay and able to laugh with my family. But I know it's hard when it's happening to you. I don't know how many times I looked at each test and tried to understand what was happening. I'm sure you know my feeling.